Those of you who are familiar with my job know I deal with a lot of email. The overall term for my job is “customer service”, and we do a damnably good job at that, but the main course of my job is working as a life coach.
If you’re unfamiliar with that (beyond the psycho “life coach” personified on last season’s Nip/Tuck), what we essentially do is to help people learn how to move forward in their lives, past what they feel is keeping them from creating roadblocks to doing so. We do spend some time going into someone’s past, but, unlike a psychologist that aids someone in healing past traumas, we help people in moving forward.
There is a lot of psychology involved in my job, certainly, and it’s tough some days dealing with so many people’s issues.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my job, even though it can be quite draining at times. I love the feeling I get on the phone when someone makes a shift and goes away feeling like they’ve got the capability to move past whatever prompted the call. I do much of my job through email – which can make it harder because there’s no intonation in voices and no immediate feedback I can get from someone for questions. But even that is very rewarding and I do it very well.
I know my job deals with a sector of humanity that feels broken and as if they need to be fixed; many of the people who call are dysfunctional in many ways, and they can be quite difficult to deal with at times. But they’re coming to us for help and anyone who’s ever been involved in any form of personal growth will know it’s not easy to start creating the life you want.
Most people who contact us are gracious and kind and willing to do the work. They may call and be frustrated or grumpy – even to the point of anger – about something, but with some patience and understanding from our end, 99 times out of 100 that person goes away with the issue taken care of (or with better understanding how to work on it more on their own). They may not be happy at the end of the call or at the end of the email exchanges, but at least they go away satisfied. I can pretty much turn anyone around – even outright rude people.
But every once in awhile a customer will cross my path that hits on a nerve.
I understand that the way we run our company will not be to everyone’s liking. One of the things we do is send out information about other personal growth programs that people might like, along with lots of information about our program in general. It can be rather overwhelming, especially for someone who’s new to the program, and likely feeling rather swamped and stressed by life as it is. It can occasionally elicit a sense of insulted rage in someone, and we frequently get requests from people to remove them from our mailing lists.
We understand, and we’re happy to oblige.
Most people who write in may sound somewhat harassed (which I can understand), but aren’t rude or jerks about it. It’s possible to be upset – even enraged about something – but still be polite. But in the example of an email I got the other day, apparently that concept is beyond the understanding of some people.
One of the functions of my job is that I receive all of the support email that comes into the company. This means I have to cull and sort through a hundred or so emails – or more – a day; I cull out the spam and other junk email, then parcel out the email to the rest of the team. But I do most of it. The questions can vary from, “What’s the price of the next level?” to “My father is very overbearing; how can I deal with him?” As well as the request for removal from our mailing lists.
Yesterday, one of the first emails I came to was such a request. Most people write in and, as I said, are very polite in their requests. Oh, they may say something like, “Take me off your stupid mailing list. You send out too much crap,” but at least it’s done in a politely irritated manner. I don’t mind those.
But I got one that really struck a nerve. The subject was: “Automated SPAM CRAP!” and the body of the email was essentially this:
“Please take me off your fabulous automatic support inquisition program
OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKO
OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOOKKOOKOKOK
OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOK
iTS COUNTER PRODUCTIVE TO THE SONIC MIND SOOTHING
PROGRAMS YOU HUSTLE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT TO SELL THEM
dONT ANSWER THIS JUST F...ING STOP.”
I paused at the last line, both surprised -- and not, as well as apalled -- and not.
Usually I let that type of emails go as it's not worth my time and energy to reply. But this time I didn't. I wrote back:
“Hello,
Thank you for your email.
We would be glad to take you off our list.
However, when making a request to us, please do us the courtesy of speaking to us in a similar manner by which you would wish to be treated.
We value all of our customers and their wishes, but I'm certain that you'd likely prefer not to be sworn at when a request is being made of you.
Regards,
Heather Self
Support Team Coach”
His reply:
“Get over it (please.)”
On one hand, yes, he has a point.
But on the other, he doesn't.
It both enraged and saddened me. Enraged me because he was an insulting jerk, but saddened me because he likely didn’t have the ability to realize that what he’d done was insulting and was appalling. I find it very saddening and frustrating that we live in a world where so many people think that it’s okay to treat people in that manner, that we have somehow found it okay to teach ourselves – and other people – that this is acceptable. When truly, it isn’t.
Had he had me face to face or even on the phone he likely would not have spoken in that manner (though one time I did have a man speak to me in exactly that manner and what I said to him was – in an extremely polite tone, “Sir, I realize you’re very frustrated and I would be, too. But what makes you think I’d be willing to do anything for you with the way you’re treating me? I’d be willing to guess that if I were coming into your store and were treating you in this same way you’d kick me out.” He paused, blustered a bit, and then said, “Oh…I’m sorry.” We had a good call after that).
But in this day and age when so much can and is done by email, it seems that manners don’t need to exist.
You get angry, you can shoot off an angry and insulting email because you’re doing it through a machine so it doesn’t matter, right?
Well, to all the people out there who believe this: I’m sorry, but no. You’re wrong. There’s still a human being on the other computer getting your email.
Computers and emails and the Internet are amazing, incredible tools that I’m extremely thankful for. But there’s a dynamic creeping into our culture that’s worrisome to me at times. We can order groceries online, clothes, music, correspondence, school and jobs online. There’s no reason for us to leave the house, really, except for the (rare) occasions we want some human interaction.
But what happens is that because so much of our lives have been “defaced”, we seem to forget how to have that human interaction. There’s a an accepted rudeness that I see creeping in everywhere – from emails like the one above, to the chatterboxes at movie theaters that have forgotten that we aren’t in their living rooms where it’s okay to yak away about the lawyer’s tie or clomp around and announce they need food and to go to the bathroom.
And don’t get me started about the woman behind me in the line at the grocery store, happily chatting away on her cell phone to a friend about co-workers and an upcoming surgery she was going to have – in detail.
Along with that accepted rudeness there’s a counterbalancing accepted unawareness that people have donned to make the rudeness okay and acceptable.
You know, like the idiot at the movie theater who answered his phone in the middle of the film – and said to his friend, “Yeah, dude. I’m at the movie. It’s pretty cool.” And then went on to tell his friend about it – just in case those of us around him hadn’t caught onto the fact we’d been following along pretty well.
I was about to tell him to shut up when a guy in the row in front of me turned around and said, “Dude, if you don’t turn that thing off – !”
The guy on the phone looked around, suddenly aware of where he was and hung up quite quickly. But glared at us as if we were the jerks.
So sorry. Next time we’ll be more mindful that our film watching won’t get in the way of your phone chatting.
I realize that a lot of this has been around for as long as there have been people. And I’m not blaming computers per se, but having come from an era where there weren’t computers in every household to an era where that is the norm, I’ve definitely seen a shift in human dynamics. It’s sad and unfortunate.
I don’t mean sad as in “pathetic” – I mean sad as in it hurts my heart.
Like I said, I’m grateful for computers. I can chat with friends and family daily and not have to rack up phone bills – though I do miss hearing their voices. I have vast amounts of more information about things I never knew I needed at my fingertips. The computer and its cousin the Internet are incredible tools that should be celebrated. But as with any tool, it can be abused. And it's our responsibility not to do that.
I just wish the dryness I sense at times wasn’t there, seeping into our culture like stale smoke from a slowly dying campfire. Granted, most emails I get from participants are warm and open and provide a quick and easy means for people to get the support they need – especially when they live overseas.
But it’s the other extreme that’s so frustrating. I’m usually able to let emails like that one go pretty easily. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes they stick with me and it does become something personal and I feel challenged.
The funny thing is, it’s not really that I feel personally insulted, it’s more that the anger and hurt comes from what people like that are doing to themselves. Clearly that person is hurting deeply inside somewhere and has some serious issues that are hindering him from having the kind of life he wants. And he’s coming to (or trying to, at least) us for help. But he’s so lost in his own frustration he can’t see that it’s his own creation.
That was my hope, really, in why I replied to him. I was trying to be a mirror to him – as the term goes – to reflect back some of that so that he could possibly see it. But he’s not in a position in his life to accept the responsibility for his behavior; to him, swearing and cursing and rudeness are okay because he’s been personally affronted, and I’m the idiot because I’m not seeing it as acceptable.
I never will, and I’ll never understand why people will continue to think that such behavior is. What kind of world do we live in where we’re teaching people – allowing ourselves to be taught – that manners are unacceptable and stupid?
Right now, thinking about it I’m just shaking my head. My heart does go out to him, even though there’s a part of me that really wanted to write back and say, “Do you really think that it’s okay to treat someone with such rudeness? How would you like it if I treated you the same way?” There was a part of me that really wanted to write back and rip him a new one, as the phrase goes, using the same kind of tone – and words – he used with us.
But, of course, I can’t, because that’s counterproductive. I can’t change him. All I can do is provide the mirror for reflection; it’s up to him to look, and right now he’s in a place in his life where he’d rather be blind and blame me for his rude behavior.
And he’s welcome to do that.
Part of my frustration is how people like him can’t see that all their pain and suffering is of their own creation. You do get back what you give out, but so many people can’t see that. To him, it’s my company’s fault he’s insulted and so that means it’s not his problem he’s being rude. He’s not in a place in life to see that he’s choosing to react that way, and therefore creating much of the frustration he’s having in life.
And part of it is that somehow we’ve learned that it’s just us in the world. We see and speak to the other whatever-billion people that walk the face of the planet, but it’s like we forget they exist and that we’re part of a whole, not single units shuffling around, only responsible for ourselves, viewing life through self-centered filters. There are other people involved in our lives that we affect. But somehow many of us have forgotten this. I'm guilty of this on occasion; we all are. It's a human trait to do so.
It's when it becomes a habit -- the norm of our lives -- that it becomes unhealthy.
You may be writing your email or thoughts on a machine, but once you hit send – they land in the lap and emotions of someone whole and just as organic and real as you.
Life can be exasperating.
There’s always going to be things we dislike, people we find rude, things we find insulting and annoying. But it’s how we choose to react to those things that creates the amount of pain and aggravation we have in our life. I know I'm the one choosing to be annoyed by the email and the cell phone cows of the world.
We don’t have to like everything in life or pooh-pooh it; but we can have different reactions to those annoyances that make all the difference in the world. I took the opportunity to hold up a mirror to that man, but he simply chose not to see it.
Honestly, if he were to call and I got him on the phone and knew it was him, I’d treat him with the same kind of compassion as if he were completely anonymous. My role isn’t to force people into seeing what they’re doing; they have to do that for themselves. But they also have to be ready; that man wasn’t.
But to that man: I really hope you find what you’re looking for. I’d be willing to bet you’re actually a pretty decent guy who’s just having a truckload of frustrations in life that’s apparently creating a lot of pain and anger. I don’t know you, I don’t know who you are, but I’m sorry that you seem to have a life where that kind of behavior is seen as acceptable. I might have that same kind of attitude. I hope that someday you have a life that’s relatively free of the suffering and frustration that generated your email.
I’d even like to be the person that helps you learn how to have such a life.
Be willing to have a little mindfulness in your life; a frustrating life isn’t a license for rudeness and for acting like a jerk. Have a little sense of common courtesy and manners. The same kind you'd like to have given to you. The more mindful we become of our actions and reactions to what’s happening around and to us, the easier even the most trying times can be.
Even being on a "fabulous support inquisition program."