My Very First Blog

My Very First Blog

OK, I've been reading my bro's blog for years, and others as well, so know what they're about. But doing my own -- hmm! I guess I could pull out my deepest, darkest thoughts to examine and have people comment and do polls over, but they've been in the deep and dark for so long they're kind of pasty-looking and tend to slink around like Gollum.

You'd think someone who likes opinions (though I do know when to keep 'em to myself...well, at least I'm learning) would have had a blog a long time ago. Truth? Never really ocurred to me. Or you had to pay for it. And I didn't know if anybody really cared to hear about my life. I write as a trade, for the most part, given I do email support all day long at my job. And I like to write on my own time, too, when the muses are biting at me. So maybe that's why -- I do a lot of writing already, doing more seemed...more.

Or less.

I have to admit I've had some stuff churning through my head lately that I'm not sure what to do with. Where Am I Going and Who Am I and What The Heck Was My Name Again sort of stuff. I get the feeling I'm heading into something, but what I don't know. I realize I have to just keep going and let it reveal itself, but at the same time, it's like moving through a tunnel at times -- you feel the wind on your face and know you're moving, you can hear the clacking of the wheels beneath you and the bumps and divots of the road, but the forward view is hazy and dim at best. I guess it's a process of trust. Well, no, it's fully a process of trust. It's just that my personal conductor who kindly sent me on my way forgot to print on my ticket where I'm heading.

But at the same time it's pretty exciting, too. I've been rather lazy as of late, kind of cocooned in my life (something I felt I had to do) and I've only recently begun to feel like I have wings again. Nothing "bad" happened, and no single thing sent me to do that -- it was just that I felt like I needed to reach out and hit the Reset button on the Nintendo System of my life. Well, more "pause" than reset. Or "reorient" if there were such a button.

I just spent the last month (yes, month) being in and out of flus of varying levels of awfulness, the last one completely flattening me for a week. I'm still feeling pooped and low on stamina, but at least it's coming back. But the funny thing is, the first thing I noticed after my fever broke (I wild night of 102.1) I began to notice that the jumble in me had settled. Questions I had, concerns or confusions, even, had settled into something I understood or could at least accept. The weird shove forward into that speedy tunnel no longer seemed confusing, and I realized I wasn't quite so white-knuckled about it. A trust had appeared. I guess it's not important to know why or from where.

Funny. I just thought of something. I love roller coasters. The harrier and scarier and loopier the better. I once spent my 19th birthday at Six Flags over Texas with my dad, and we went on every single roller coaster there at least twice. It's the first thing I hit when I go to an amusement park. There's one I've heard about in Denmark, I think it is, that's completely in the dark. Makes me rub my hands together and grin just thinking about it. Whee! But here I was, in the midst of my own personal roller coaster ride (again, I'm not sure what brought it about) and it was scary. As in "stop!" scary. But once you're on one of those things, you aren't going to, no differently than the person running The Big Dipper at Santa Cruz is going to stop it. That was the other thing I realized when I came out of that flu hell -- I was enjoying it!

I'm on the verge of something, I think. Dunno what. Nor do I really feel a need to have it figured out. I think I'm finally getting it'll figure itself out, and I don't have to do anything, just like I don't have to do anything but just sit back in my roller coaster car and let the ride unfold for me.

Bring on the loops!

Ciao for now.