I had a moment of clarity awhile ago. None of my clothes fit me properly; I realized everything -- except for my stretchy t-shirts -- was too tight. For awhile now, there have been certain (favorite!) skirts I couldn't wear, but it became such that everything was too small. When your entire wardrobe -- including things that used to be loose -- makes you look and feel like a sausage being stuffed into a too-small casing, it's time to get serious about exercise.
I know I've talked before about how I've "finally" gotten back into a routine, but it wasn't something that would seem to stick. There were a few important things I had to work through before I got serious about it again. One was that I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue (I believe I've mentioned this), and so I was completely drained of all energy and felt exhausted most of the time, even if I tried gentler exercise like walks and yoga.
Another was that I had developed a very frenetic way of looking at exercise -- a very judgmental way. I wasn't doing it for my health; instead, I was doing it because I was afraid to go back to where I was about ten years ago when I weighed 200 lbs. Yes. 200 lbs. This led me to a terrible situation of serious body dismorphia -- no matter what I weighed, I didn't feel like I looked any different. When I was 200 I absolutely could not see the weight; I honestly could not see that I looked any different than when I weighed 135-142. The only thing that got me to realize I was too heavy was the number on the scale.
But what happened was that when I did lose the weight and got back down to a much healthier number -- that same range -- I had a two-fold perception of not looking any different; what I mean is that I honestly couldn't see I'd lost weight. It was like my two eyes were seeing two different images. On one hand, I could tell I looked like I did before I put the weight on -- and the scale supported that -- but on the other, I still thought I looked "fat".
And so I began to work out harder and longer; a personal trainer and my doctor told me I was at a very healthy weight and BMI, but I absolutely, positively couldn't see it. I wasn't seeing myself properly. Part of me knew by my clothing sizes and the numbers on the scale and my BMI readings I looked great -- but I'd somehow fallen into a crack in my psyche that fostered a very distorted body image. I knew that, too -- but I wasn't getting it.
I never got into a phase of developing an eating disorder, but the way I kept thinking about myself was just as bad. I'm pretty certain that was a large factor that threw me into the adrenal fatigue (one of the main components of it is stress), which didn't get diagnosed until last year. But I think it was my body's last defense, because it got me to stop exercising altogether. Just prior to my stopping it, I was in the gym one day, using the treadmill, and I found myself locked into a terrible run of thoughts -- about myself, about the people around me...and I realized I hated the place. And that I'd started to hate myself, in a way -- from the distorted image, for having the distorted image and for how judgmental I'd gotten of the people there and of myself.
That gave me a big moment of pause, and I realized I had to stop doing anything until I got that sorted out. I suppose that was my moment of clarity.
Perhaps a year later or so, I got into yoga -- but I realized I had inserted the "healthy" version of exercise for what I'd been doing. It was merely a substitution, because I'd begun to carry the same thoughts about myself; I kept thinking I looked terrible because I didn't look like the woman on my DVDs. I knew, of course, that was a dumb way to look at it -- but it was there. And so I put those away for awhile. That was last year some time.
I knew once I got to a place where I could look at myself in a healthier way and not abuse the exercise and its benefits I would get back into a regular routine. I spent a lot of time working on that -- on how I saw myself, on recognizing my cues for slipping into that way of thinking, on how to take a proper, broad-spectrum way of viewing it all. I had gradually put on about thirty pounds and wasn't happy with how I looked -- but I decided to use that to my advantage to start listening to how I was really talking to myself, what I was really saying and how it was affecting me. Until I could accept myself for who I was and what I looked like without judgment, I was just going to remain in that crack in my psyche. As a life coach, I talk to people all the time about how acceptance of what is means being able to then move forward and make changes...but it is a difficult thing to put into practice personally at times.
Awhile back my doctor at Kaiser did make a comment that I was carrying more weight than I likely should, and I told him I knew I was and told him about where I'd found myself about all of that and what I was doing to get to a better way of looking at it all and he understood. It was an important thing to do, he said, and was glad I had recognized that in myself and was doing something about it.
Sometime this past summer, a desire to get really focused again began to bubble to the surface, but I was cautious about it, making sure I was being very mindful of that desire and how to put it into motion. And so I began working really hard on doing just what I talked about with people all day long -- that unconditional acceptance of myself, forgiveness for having had that way of thinking (and for the weight gain)...without that, without the self-compassion I was only going to move back into that way of thinking.
Then something clicked about a month and a half ago; I began doing 30 minutes of yoga in the morning, then added on walking. Then I realized that if I really wanted results, I'd have to get back to the gym. But it would have to be in the morning; every single medical professional I'd been seeing (my Kaiser doctor, my acupuncturist, my naturopath, my doctor of Chinese medicine) were all in consensus that exercising in the evening was jacking up my system more than I realized, which was then interfering with my sleep. I didn't think it was...but when everyone is telling you the same thing -- well...it's a good thing to listen to.
I've been naturally waking up around 5 already for whatever reason, and so I decided I could just use that to my advantage. I started getting up in time to get to the gym by about 5:30, allowing me time for a good routine of cardio and weights, and time to eat something both beforehand and after, make something to take for a larger breakfast at work, and get cleaned up. So far it's working out well. I take Tuesdays and Fridays off; that way I have my old 3 on, 1 off, 2 on, 1 off routine that worked so well before; I opted for Fridays because I have to be at work by 7 am; Monday through Friday it's 8.
Plus I'm more open to trying some of the classes Bally offers -- like the spinning class. No, I'm not sitting at a wheel making yarn; you sit on a specialized stationery bike and are led through different speeds, etc. I've heard great things about it, so I figured, why not? I also want to try the "Kwando Strike" class, which is based on kickboxing. Both those classes piqued my interest when Bally introduced them, but that was also about the time my burnout was really starting to gain momentum.
This time around, too, I'm taking pictures of myself as I lose the weight. I didn't that last time (I'm nowhere near needing to lose the same amount of weight as before), and I think that may have led to that dysmorphic way of looking at myself; I had no visual reference. Yes, I kept logs of my weight, my waist and hip measurements and so on -- but there's nothing like photographic proof.
I pulled out some pictures of myself that were taken back when I was in great shape, and they were both inspiring and depressing. Inspiring because I realized how great I looked then, and that I wanted to aim for that again -- and depressing for the same reason, because it showed just how much I'd put on...and how good I looked -- but didn't see it. That's not going to happen this time.
So, speaking of which, it's time for me to have some lunch and get to the gym. And then maybe a nap. It's certainly the weather for it; it's been consistently about 10-12 degrees lower than the predicted lows. It was only supposed to get down to 22 (only!), but it was getting down to 9 and even 6 degrees; the high was supposed to then be in the mid-thirties, but it was only getting up to 29. (I guess it's the global warming). I think Mom Nature somehow confused us with North Dakota...no snow though. What was amusing was that I got an email at work from someone in Australia talking about how they were in the midst of a heat wave! Ha!
Happy Christmakwanzannukah to everyone!
-- H
